January 6, 2009 (SPRINGFIELD, Ill.) -- In a formal affidavit, Roland Burris says he had only one limited conversation with Governor Rod Blagojevich before accepting his appointment as a U.S. senator.
Burris submitted the affidavit to the Illinois House committee considering impeachment of the governor. He's supposed to testify before the committee on Thursday.
Burris says he was approached by a Blagojevich attorney about taking the Senate post on Friday, December 26. Two days later, he accepted the appointment in a phone call with the governor.
The 71-year-old Democrat says the two didn't discuss anything beyond whether Burris would take the job and how it would be announced.
That statement appears to rule out any discussion of a deal or of what Burris would do as a senator.
Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't or shouldn't there have been some sort of vetting process? You know - asking lots of questions so that as a governor your appointment won't come back to further bite you in the butt? Something like; "So Roland tell me everything you've been doing since you retired. Any scandals? Any possible dubivious business dealings?" And on and on. Or is this a case of calling every Negro until you find one that would accept?
I have to let my imagination go wild on this: (IN OTHER WORDS I AM MAKING THIS UP JUST FOR THE LAUGHS!!!!!)
Blago: Well I can't count on my top three Negro choices, Jesse, Jr. Valerie Jarrett or Emil Jones to take the seat. Let's see who else I can call. I'll call Danny Davis.
Danny: Sorry Rod. Won't look good for me to take the seat now. I do have to run for re-election every two years and if the citizens of Illinois don't reelect me, I'll be out of a job. You know ...THAT ONE aka Ike Carothers considers himself to be my heir and he will be on my congressional seat in no time flat if I give it up.
Blago: Ok Dan. I understand. Let me see who else I can call.
(ten seconds later)
Blago: Hey Rickey Hollywood Hendon. Would you like the senate seat?
Rickey: Are you out of your ****effing mind? I was the number two man to Emil Jones. Now I'm out the box. Hell No!
Blago: Ok Rickey. I'm gonna call Bobby.
Bobby: Hello? (in an extreme hush tone)
Blago: Yo' Bobby Hush oooops I mean Rush. Do you want the Obama seat?
Bobby: Well IT IS a black seat. I was once a black panther. Yeah, I'll take the seat. I'll get my son.....Oops....sorry Rod - no can do. My son is in jail after being found guilty of having been a prison guard who had sex with the female inmates. Plus I did kinda tell everybody that only a white man .... Blair Hull could be senator - You know Rod-Man, I've been changing my spots a little too much lately. I'll pass. But tell you what. If you find a Negro to take the job, I'll do the "only black man in the senate" and "lynch" speech to help you out.
Blago: Ok Bobby. Take care bro'. I will need that speech ASAP. I don't understand. I keep trying to give you black people the chance to be in the senate and you all keep looking the gift horse in the mouth. What is wrong with you people? Well I still gotta keep going down the effing list. It's 9:00pm now. Can you start writing it so we can have it tomorrow by noon?"
6 hours later............... The phone rings somewhere on the southside of Chicago..............
Roland: Who in the hell is this calling my my house at 3:00am? I ain't the president!
Blago: It's me ...Rod.
Roland: Rod who?
Blago: Rod Blagojevich. The governor! You want the senate seat?
Roland: YEAH BABY. WOOOO. I'm feeling like Mel Reynolds right now. Like I just won the lottery!
Blago: Ok, then meet me at the State of Illinois Building tomorrow at 2:00pm for the press conference. Bye.
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